Tuesday, 24 November 2015

251115.

They said there are five stages of grief
So here is to hiding in denial, a river in my homeland
And here is my angry letter, in a crazy moment I sent
Here is my bargaining poem
And my writer’s block depression
And here is me accepting it but I am still in remission

They said wishes and prayers are powerful tools
So I wished upon a shooting star for you to stay safe,
And I prayed in the rain for you to never hurt again,
I wished on all the mystical dates for your heart to find peace,
And prayed for your return but all were wasted years

So I said to hell with it all, the grieving and the art, the wishing and praying
Here is my anger and my broken heart
Naked, displayed for the whole world to see
I summed up all the cruelty and wrote down my spell

Then once upon a time, you came late at night
You said you saw it all and my prayers have been right
But darling don’t you see, I never meant you harm
I prayed for months and weeks, for you to stay well
Then just this one day, I wished you’d feel my hell

If just this one prayer has actually been heard
Then who am I to tell, that the rest wasn’t as well
So here is for the golden memories and for my sweet paperman
My prayers were not wasted and I will pray for you some more
May your soul find peace and the stars light your way home
May you find it in your heart to someday forget it all
May kindness overwhelm you and love overflows
’cause darling, if your love was a grain of sand
Mine would be a universe of endless beaches.
Prayer, Passant A. AbdelAal 

Sunday, 22 November 2015

Prayers

Dear God,

I don't know much about You, I was being brought up in a different background. But I have a best friend whom I've known for 18 years who is a Christian, I once had a Christian best guy friend, and I always watched my roommate praying to You for the past four years. Hence, even though I'm not familiar, but I'm still writing You this post and I really hope that You can hear me.

There's a guy - one of your children, who had made a great impact in my life. He is wonderful, he is kind, he has all the great personalities which I believe must be gotten from You. He always cares for the others, showering people with love and good deeds. Because of him, I've restored my faith in friendship, I've had the best memories in my university life.

But he is hurt, he is suffering from a relationship that he cares a lot. There's nothing that I can do except of being there for him and praying, to You, even though I'm not sure what's the correct method of praying, but I believe that it's the sincerity that matters. Please take care of him, a person who goes to church every week, who is so passionate in worshipping God. I've visited to his church once for the sake of discovering the place that meant so much to him since he was little, a place that helped building his character in the process of growing up. Please forgive me for behaving a bit awkward in the beginning because I haven't get used to it yet. But I did enjoy the worshipping session, and I hope that You won't mind as I was there playing the role of an 'outsider'.

Dear God,

Please grant him the courage to accept the hurtful truths and harsh realities. Please grant him the ability to see beauty in everything no matter it's good or bad. Please let him be loved by the people around him, and to be loved by the girl that he loves the most, now or in the future.

God, if You hear me, please shower Your blessings on this guy whom I really really love. I'm not qualified to stay by his side, but I believe that he'll always have You for the rest of his life.

Amen.

Thursday, 27 August 2015

For the first time in forever.


 "If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person.”

- Haruki Murakami

Sunday, 26 July 2015

I just want you to be happy.

"There's no one like you." I'm taking your line.

.

Four months of daily chatting basis, I never thought that it would go this far. They said if you repeat doing the same thing over 21 times you would become getting used to it. 

The truth is, getting used to you wasn't difficult at all. It didn't even need 21 times.

I have to admit that I'm getting emotionally attached to you, right now. Since your last massage telling me that you've landed safe and sound, we've lost contact for few days. I missed you, I really missed you. Chatting with you everyday has become a habit. I saw you went online from time no time, but you never said hi, and so did I. Just like how you're feeling to other people, I'm repeating the same feelings for you. And hence I deactivated my account for one day just for the sake of refraining myself from checking on you, but unfortunately it only made thing worse. I had a rebound.

.

You said feelings are like hunger, they come and go. You've been telling me that you weren't okay for so many times but it seems that there's nothing that I can do for you. It breaks me to know that you're sad. I met you when I was having the worst time of my uni life. You said I took your line - "I'm so glad we met." But you'd never know how much do I mean it -  "It's like I'm drowning and you come and save me." I feel so loved by you, so loved that it hurts. I'm afraid that my emotional attachment would go stronger and stronger; I'm afraid that you'll be keeping a distance with me one day; I'm afraid that you fall in love with someone else when I'm not 'ready' yet.. But my biggest fear is what if you're unable to feel happy again? What if you're getting emotionally attached to the friend of yours stronger day by day, what If it lasts forever?

.

I finally finished reading <Norwegian Wood>, and I really love Midori's confession:

  "Don't you have any idea how painful and lonely it's been for me without you these past two months?"
  This took me completely off guard. "No," I said, "It never occurred to me, I thought you were angry with me and didn't want to see me."
  "How can you be such an idiot? Of course I wanted to see you! I told you how much I like you! When I like somebody I really like them. It doesn't turn on and off for me just like that. Don't you realized at least that much about me?"
  "Well, sure, but - "
  "That's why I was so mad at you! I wanted to give you a good kick up the arse. I mean, we hadn't seen each other that whole time, and you were so spaced out thinking about this other girl you didn't even look at me! How could I not get angry at you? But apart from all that, I had been feeling for a long time that it would be better for me if I kept away from you for a while. To get things clear in my head."
"Our relationship, of course. It was getting to the point where I enjoyed being with you far more than being with him. I mean, don't you think there's something weird about that? And difficult? Of course I still like him. He's a little self-centred and narrow-minded and kind of a fascist, but he's got a lot of good points, and he's the first man I ever felt serious about. But you, well, you're special to me. When I'm with you I feel something is just right. I believe in you. I like you. I don't want to let you go. I was getting more and more confused, so I went to him and asked him what I should do. He told me to stop seeing you. He said if it as going to see you, I should break up with him."
  "So what did you do?" 
  "I broke up with him. Just like that." Midori put a Marlboro in her mouth, shielded it with her hand as she lit up, and inhaled.
  "Why?"
  "Why?!" She screamed. "Are you crazy?" You know the English subjunctive, you understand trigonometry, you can read Marx, and you don't know the answer to something as simple as that? Why do you even have to ask? Why do you have to make a girl say something like this? I like you more than I like him, that's all. I wish I had fallen in love with somebody a little more handsome, of course. But I didn't. I fell in love with you!"

.

Don't you think she's cute? :) I don't think I'll ever have the guts to do things like that though.

I like you, I don't want to hurt you. Do you understand? Sometimes I think you kinda like me too, but it's okay, I don't want to ruin everything by making unnecessary assumptions. Maybe those are just warm gestures of you to a good friend, I've never thought that we would be together or whatsoever, what I'm having now is already more than what I truly deserved. Things may not last forever, sometimes I'm really afraid of being too emotional and ended up being destructive. But what I know for sure, I just want to appreciate every moment I have with you while I can, there's no more I could ever ask for.

I just want you to be happy.


Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Do no harm.

Because I'm always a reacher.


I guess this is the best timing, after 800 days of grieving. 
When what I want is not an everlasting relationship, when I thought I will be leaving this place with some regrets, disappointments... I thank God that I met you.

.

People only be nice to girls who are cheerful, famous, pretty... Never in my life have I ever experienced it. The sincerity and kindness that I used to shower on other people, I'm receiving them from you. So I started to think that life might not be that bad, there's still something worth appreciating. 

.

I'll be here until I'm gone. 
Thank you for being such a nice person to me. 



X

Friday, 17 April 2015

玩火。

现在的我就像是一只不计后果的飞蛾
身不由己

我身不由己



Do no harm

Do no harm

Do no harm

Thursday, 26 March 2015

另一种拥有。

正当身边的人都滥用着爱人与被爱的权利
正当我还沉醉于过去 逃不出来

然后生活中总有一些重要的插曲在自己最无防备时发生



一直以来 我总希望可以遇见男版的自己
拥有同样的想法 同样的专长 兴趣
然后我发现其实生活里有一位和我很相似的友人 而且他拥有着许多我没有的优点



其实在第二年时就已经注意他的存在
与主流漂亮眼睛不同的内双眼皮 好看的笑容 非常有魅力

我们并没有太多交集 直到最近才更加认识彼此
在他身上我看见许多我可以学习的优点
比如说 他在与人打招呼或道谢时总会加上别人的名字 和别人说话时总会微微地倾着身体
真心地对待自己的病人 带着他买东西 背着他一起玩
功课好 有礼貌 擅长弹琴 太多太多的优点

说我和他一样或许是一种侮辱 哈

或许在生活上受过伤的这点缺陷让我觉得彼此很像
而且在我的生活圈子里 他是唯一一个与我一样非常欣赏村上春树的男生
这点让我觉得非常难得



非常喜欢他与我分享英文书法的心得 并且乐意分享他觉得不错的专页
聊天时会贴心地提醒我考试加油 在海边要小心
在晚会上被称赞 让穿着白色裙子的我开心了好久 等等等等

如果说喜不喜欢这样子的男生 目前的答案是肯定的
但是宗教信仰 没有足够时间认识彼此 还有年龄 或许都是问题
所以我就只好珍惜这非常难得的朋友 希望那么好的他在生命里只遇上美好的事情
:)



生活中每一个遇见的人都是一种新的学习

| 珍惜一切就算没有拥有 |

愿这位拥有非常漂亮名字的朋友 健康幸福